This blog post was written by Christy Johnson, Counselor at Nivati. You can see more of their content on the Nivati platform and on the Nivati blog. If you want to learn more about Nivati, click here.

Many individuals struggle with feeling like they have to be perfect, or they beat themselves up with a negative inner voice that tells them they have failed or should have tried harder. In fact, many people believe that their negative inner voice helps them stay motivated and productive, and without their harsh internal dialogue they would never get anything done. In this article, we will talk about how perfectionism and negative self-criticism can be harmful and actually stand in our way of achieving and how self-compassion may provide the antidote for this difficult experience. 

Perfectionism and Negative Inner Criticism: A Feedback Loop 

When we constantly beat ourselves up, it can be challenging to feel good about ourselves and find the motivation and drive to accomplish our goals. As a licensed therapist, I have often seen otherwise successful people stuck in a loop of striving for perfection and then beating themselves up for achieving less-than-perfect, but still worthwhile results. As this cycle perpetuates, individuals may begin to lose motivation altogether, resulting in them internally berating themselves further. It is a self-defeating cycle that only serves to impede the person more over time.

I have seen firsthand the power self-compassion has to help people heal from perfectionism and negative inner criticism. Self-compassion is a powerful tool to help break this destructive cycle by helping you move from a mindset of “I must be perfect” to a mindset in which you are more flexible, more resilient, and kinder to yourself. 

How Perfectionism Fails Us

There are a number of behaviors associated with perfectionism that can cause disruptions to our functioning at work and in life. Individuals who struggle with perfectionism can have a hard time at work because they are constantly striving for perfection and never giving themselves enough credit for their accomplishments, especially when they perceive those accomplishments to have fallen short of their expectations. 

Here are some of the ways perfectionism commonly interferes with work: 

• Procrastination: Perfectionists often procrastinate because they are afraid of making a mistake or not being perfect. This can lead to missed deadlines, missed opportunities, and stress.
• Setting unrealistic goals: Perfectionists often take on more than they can handle or set unrealistic goals for themselves which can lead to disappointment and discouragement, which can then lead to burnout. Perfectionists may work themselves too hard trying to achieve their goals. 
• Not being able to accept feedback: Perfectionists often have difficulty accepting feedback, even when it is constructive or positive. This can lead to them not learning from their mistakes and growing professionally, or not accepting compliments from peers or maintaining their confidence.
  

Perfectionism is also associated with negative personal outcomes such as increased depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and substance use. Perfectionists often have a harder time dealing with stress and can find that perfectionism interferes with their relationships resulting in an increased possibility of social isolation. 

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is the ability to treat yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and acceptance that you would show a loved one, especially when you are having difficult thoughts, feelings, or experiences. 

Self-compassion is made up of three key components: 

• Self-Kindness: Self-kindness is the simple practice of responding to yourself from a place of concern and empathy, and avoiding using harsh judgments or a negative inner voice against yourself. 
• Common Humanity: Common humanity is an understanding that we are not alone in this world and that many others may be able to relate to our deepest fears and pains. When we are in a state of darkness it can be helpful to remind ourselves that we are not alone and pain is a universal experience. 
• Mindfulness: Mindfulness is a daily practice or habit of paying gentle awareness to your inner dialogue, thoughts, attention, and emotions in a non-judgmental way. Mindfulness allows you to observe your feelings and reactions without being overtaken by them. 

How Self-Compassion Can Help

Self-compassion is strongly associated with psychological wellbeing. Higher levels of self-compassion are linked with increased feelings of happiness, optimism, curiosity, connectedness, and ability to cope along with decreased anxiety, depression, rumination, and fear of failure.

Here are some of the things you might notice as you develop a more compassionate relationship with yourself: 

• Enhanced intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships: One study found that practicing self-compassion is related to reports of higher-quality romantic relationships. This could be partially due to the fact that increased kindness toward yourself allows you to develop an internal sense of patience and understanding that naturally transfers to your relationship with others.
• Increased ability to cope with suffering: Self-compassion can help us through difficult emotions by helping us understand that mistakes and suffering happen to us all. Giving ourselves grace allows us to learn from our mistakes and build resilience after failures. 
• Increased psychological and physical health: Regular practitioners of self-compassion report experiencing enhanced mental and physical health. Researchers found that as practitioners of self-compassion began to feel less stressed, they began to show increased engagement in physical health behaviors. 

How to Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is a skill that can be learned and developed over time. Self-compassion is a component of the relationship you have with yourself and will change and grow with you over time. There are many different ways to cultivate your self-compassion practice, and what works for one person won't always work for everyone. Take your time discovering what works well for you and do what feels right.
Here are a few practices that you may consider adopting into your own routines. Feel free to modify these practices to suit your needs. 

• Gently talking to yourself: When you are having a hard time, pause for a moment and speak to yourself kindly, either audibly or in your head. You might tell yourself that it is okay to be frustrated or upset and that you are allowed to feel your feelings. You might tell yourself that you are there for yourself or that you accept yourself even when you have made a mistake. If it helps, imagine what you might say to a close friend or loved one in your situation and then say it to yourself.  
• Practice mindfulness: Take time to practice mentally and emotionally checking in with yourself throughout the day. Assess your status and periodically get in tune with what you are experiencing. Acknowledging your mental, emotional, and physical experience regularly allows you to recognize your needs and meet those needs in the moment. Here is one practice to try if you are new to mindfulness techniques. 
• Treat yourself as someone who is beloved: Pay attention to how you treat the most beloved people in your life. Now cultivate those behaviors toward yourself. When you are feeling down, take some time to do something that you enjoy or that makes you feel good. When you need someone to have your back, be there for yourself. Become your biggest ally and emotional supporter. 
• Give yourself permission to not be perfect: Understand that perfection is truly not possible and give yourself permission to fall short of whatever your mental image of perfection might be. Remind yourself that you do not have to be perfect to achieve excellent or worthwhile results and that it is often in our biggest moments of failure that we learn and grow the most. 

Read more: How to Practice Self-Love 

Final Thoughts

If you are struggling with perfectionism and negative inner criticism, please know that you deserve relief from this exhausting cycle. Healing is possible and self-compassion can help you find ways to be productive and motivated without self-judgment, fear of failure, and self-criticism. 

Self-Compassionate Ideas to Remember: 

• Perfection is not possible. Everyone makes mistakes or experiences difficult seasons of life. 
• It is okay to feel your feelings, even the difficult ones. 
• You are not alone. Everyone goes through hard times and feels painful or confusing emotions at some time in their lives. 
• Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. 

With practice, self-compassion can become a regular part of your life, helping you to let go of perfectionism, accept yourself for who you are, and build resilience in the face of challenges. 

If you find it difficult to overcome negative inner criticism on your own, please know that help is available. By reaching out to a licensed mental health professional you can get the support you need to better understand and address your own personal mental health experiences. 

Disclaimer

By participating in/reading the service/website/blog/email series on this website, you acknowledge that this is a personal website/blog and is for informational purposes and should not be seen as mental health care advice. You should consult with a licensed professional before you rely on this website/blog’s information. All things written on this website should not be seen as therapy treatment and should not take the place of therapy or any other health care or mental health advice. Always seek the advice of a mental health care professional or physician. The content on this blog is not meant to and does not substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.